Friday, January 16, 2009

Josephine

Josephine

 

            “You know,” I said to myself as comfort against the cold January winds blowing in from Boston’s Atlantic, “you don’t have to yell to be mean, like you, Josephine. You use words.”

            I had begun talking to myself that winter. The winter I stole a saltshaker from the dining hall so we could do shots of Tequila with the salt and lime. The winter she started to simply ignore me after both of our attempts to heal our own faults of ill friendship, as if that word is a luxury we can afford. The times as they are give no allowances.

            I battled the wind back to my dorm at the university, the cold glass saltshaker still in my pocket. I hadn’t taken it out yet, it had just sat there for three weeks in my jacket, hidden from those hostile days.

            “Actually,” I say to myself again, “you’re worse than this shaker of salt.” I took it out and looked at it while scraping my feet over the frozen-over sidewalk. It was simple glass, with a slightly rusted top. But it was in my admiration of this trinket that my foot caught ice and I fell forward, the glass saltshaker shattering in my palm.

“Fuck.”

 Snow, salt, blood, and ice congealed across my broken lifeline, burning like no other. No frostbite hurt this much, no freeze stung so bitterly.  Colder than the worst wind chills, my hand ached, covered in muddy, bloody chunks of snows and salts, jagged cuts racing across my sour flesh.

“Josephine, you’re a real bitch to me, even a week after we’ve lost our touch, you know that? Karma, you haven't been any better, either.”

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Astronaut

Listening to none other than David Bowie's Space Oddity, fantastic.

It is a new year, and I am resolving myself to a life of exploration in expressive adoration and balance.
I will not be unhealthy in my adventuring, but ambitious.
Columbus. Magellan. Lewis & Clark. Laika?
An Astronaut?
Why not?
Sailing across celestial bodes, heavenly souls,
I can, in fact, see solar winds of good fortune blowing through me.
An Astronaut-
Truly a romantic figure if ever to be.
A scientist discovering, 
while simultaneously 
a virgin observing.
Exhilarating; traveling thousands of miles an hour, 
while simultaneously
very still in intimate action, floating in the shadowy beauty of
a bed,
can I see myself, hopeful, innocent, in intrigue of another's soul, a starred tiara sitting on her head, my lips diving comets on her cheeks, our bodies organic satellites orbiting lovely planets; ourselves.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Thinking like Defunkt Aeroplanes

I'm not really the adult I thought I was becoming. In fact, of course, I feel more and more like the child I always thought you brought out in me. Yes, I suppose you made me feel the most childish I've felt in ages - childish in my giddiness, my jealousy, my affection, my every sense of the word - but I think I liked it. And now here I am, still malleable, shaped still by your mock creative hands months after the fact of us. Do I enjoy the hold so evident you still maintain?
I can't help but think I have no effect on you, which is really quite the blow for me, but what can I do? 
I also think you're a fool for your own predicament, but my opinion is really nothing.

However being back in Boston is a medicine in itself.
With the cold nipping at my cheek bones, my goofy ears, my sloping nose and stubbly chin, I walk down Commonwealth Avenue, a year's worth in dollars of books for classes cutting into my palms. And I don't mind it. I love it. I bath in the simplicity of walking through dirty snow and slush, visible exhalation emitting from my and my friend's mouthes. 
This semester will be pleasant. I have told myself that I will find company this semester, someone who challenges me, appeals to me, feels for me and someone I can respect, who reciprocates such attentions as well. 
Perhaps a lofty thought, and yes I'll still fall for flighty kisses at drunken parties. 
However, affectionate company be the ultimate goal in this wintry sphere. 

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Thinking in Spasms, Shooting at Flies like Ideas with those Suction-Cup-Arrows

I'm feeling more and more stupid as the days go on.
Perhaps it's being home with friends. Do I forget myself? Is not challenging myself making me say and do these pathetic things? Forgetting conversations? Drunk dials? Lazy actions?
To be honest, the past 4 days have been the laziest I can even remember. Lord I don't even know what to think of myself...
What's worse is someone I still admire completely called me out on it, and I feel horrible and ignorant. I'm positive their view of me is now tainted by this recent stupidity... perhaps they'll simply laugh at me next time they see me. Shit,that's what I need.
But I'll be back in Boston come Sunday. Back to thinking. Back to Breathing. Back to independently challenging myself, now to prove me myself that I am not a waste as the past few hours of realization have brought me to believe. I'll be myself in Boston, despite how much I love Barkhamsted.
I think my head is on screwy. I've been thinking in spasms, shooting at flies like ideas with those suction-cup-arrows...

Then again there's a perfect explanation for why I was completely ignorant to that conversation I had with that person.
Ugh.
I'm a fool.
Is stupidity ever forgivable?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Snows Fall in Barkhamsted

And a snow falls in New England,
serene and silver it glides to a soft landing on white carpets.
All over the world there are nations mobilized.
And a snow falls in New England.
Bullets hit targets and rockets are launched across hazing borders.
Don't think there is happiness for either offender in these times
These factions don't enjoy blood on snow
And anyone who thinks in extremes of good and bad
is the purest fool.
And a snow falls in New England.
In the spectrum of my mind I am selecting those to reflect upon positively and negatively. Perhaps for the rest of my life.
You make the positive list, while You make the negative.
Am I, in fact, negative on the inside, with a faux-positive outside?
There is a war going on in my mind,
But the snow, it still falls in New England,
serene and silver it glides to a soft landing on white carpets.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

What I'm doing

I've got my radio show, and the people that I've wanted to forget are beginning to be forgotten. But I will go back to Boston in 5 days, and instead of burning bridges do I hope to rekindle old flames with past acquaintances. 

Sitting in a friend's room watching Extras and playing video games do I bring myself back to my cool. I feel as if I have never left, and our thrills haven't quit since.
1 am runs to Taco Bell 
movie marathons
legos
music
books
radio
snuggies
hot tubs
nerf gunss
it hasn't ceased.

Back to my radio show. The Poetics of Radio Towers. Saturdays from 12 to 2. Hopefully this will keep me writing, keep me searching my mind and hand for the makings of good poetry. I've been racking my pencil for poetic things and images of literary worth. Hopefully it'll keep me busy.

Well I just figured I'd catch myself up on the goings on of Barkhamsted. I hope to visit school and some old friends on Friday. 
Who knows what I'll be doing in the coming weeks? Who knows who I'll be seeing?
For some reason I find the anticipation fantastic.
Who else does?

Sunday, January 4, 2009

New Years Resolutions (4 days late)

Write better. Learn more Latin dances. Fool around. Forget certain people, or at least care less about some of them. Continue to stay on Radio. Find poetry. Write poetry. Meet nice people. Meet nice people who write. Meet nice people who write well. Read good books. Love my friends and family. Make summer plans. Fool around more. Travel. Find my way to Israel.Get in touch with old friends from out of country. Love.